By Phil Briggs
Cue the soft piano music and hear us give heartfelt thanks for the following:
Thank You, North Korea
Jokes about your leader Kim Jong Un, his tyrannical regime and that haircut really make the threat of nuclear war feel less scary.
Thank You, Naval Air Station, Whidbey Island, WA
Your recent sky writing prank has made us laugh for days. Now we know why the driver’s seat of an F/A-18 is called the cockpit.
Thank You, NFL
The national anthem protests have provided a nice distraction for Cleveland Brown fans.
Thank You, Turkey
After cramming bread up your tailgate, and roasting you for 4 hours, the meal you create is something we look forward to all year. The subsequent tryptophan induced nap is also greatly appreciated.
Thank You, Wild Turkey
Your oaken, amber goodness brings warmth to our insides. And after sipping on your 100 proof awesomeness, you inspire drunk relatives to attempt brave acts of ridiculousness with axes, chain saws and shotguns.
Thank You, Medical Marijuana States
Your open minded approach to herbal treatments for everything from chronic pain to color blindness, means everyone will be good and hungry this year. It also means that going for “a walk outside” with your sketchy cousin is no longer sketchy.