You guys, so…um…basically, the next wave of MREs are here, and they’re totes just for us. Put down the selfie stick, pause your Facebook Live, and practice some self-care by checking out these 11 ethically sourced mealz.
1.) Kombucha and Kale Chips Dusted with pink Himalayan Sea Salt
The guy at the coffee shop said it was fermented, and that’s all I need to drink a metric shit-ton of the stuff in the hopes of getting a buzz. We’re told kale is healthy.
2.) Gluten-Free, Fair-Trade Mac and Artisanal Cheese (vegan)
We know you don’t really have a gluten allergy, and we don’t care. This elevated childhood lifeblood comes with all the indulgence, and none of the guilt. I’m not saying you have to use the lightly toasted breadcrumb topping, but literally everyone else is.
3.) Farm to Table
So what if you’ve never spent a day on a farm? The orchard fortified apple vinaigrette is second only to the ramp pesto (seasonal). This ethically sourced treat is harvested locally, thank god. These handcrafted breads minimize the distance your food travels with maximum flavor.
4.) Bottomless Brunch
Included in this late morning/early afternoon hangover classic is all you can drink shitty sparkling wine that can trace its roots back to literally anywhere other than France. It comes with an uninspired breakfast entree of your choice, but we know what you really came here for. Oh, and if you want it, the whole platoon has to get it!
5.) Cold Brew and La Croix
It’s “coffee”…kinda. La Croix? Really? I didn’t spend the best years of my life sweating in the sandbox only to come back and have some fancy Canadian fruit water… ::sips:: actually, this stuff is pretty good.
6.) Small batch Maple IPA with Truffle Fries
The maple is a nice touch, it’s the flavor of the season. But, it’s so hoppy it’s insane. Seriously. I can’t even taste anything else. Just blows out my palate with bitterness, just as god intended. The fries aren’t nearly as good as the poutine our friendly neighbors to the north have, but the truffle butter is totally amazeballs.
7.) Powdered Sushi rolls with/ Matcha Dairy Shake
Just add salt water!
8.) Coconut Lemongrass Quinoa
Rich in protein, and naturally gluten-free, quinoa has emerged as the ancient grain of the decade! Sure, it’s causing soil degradation along the shores of northern Peru, but what are you going to do, go back to eating rice? I. Just. Can’t. Even.
9.) Just Two Pounds of Guacamole
Sometimes a condiment, sometimes a meal, always a must! Much like the coveted delicacy, I too am extra.
10.) Activated Charcoal Juice Cleanse
Apple cider vinegar, lemon juice, cayenne pepper, maple syrup, and activated charcoal. A winning combination to rid the temple that is your body of every toxin everrrrr.
11.) Acai Bowl
What list would be millennial-complete without this popularly sought-after berry, or fruit, or is it a vegetable? Idk, but it’s basically a shake in a bowl with that super oily natural peanut butter.
All of these deluxe dishes are all natural, and GMO free. The packaging also biodegrades while you eat for maximum efficiency, and environmental consciousness.
OMG thanks so much for taking the time to read this. You can also catch it on my lifestyle blog, Do-MATT-stic Living.
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Bonus: Honorable Mentions
The Twittersphere had their own ideas for how to put a relevant spin on military meals: