Editor’s Note: Once again, the following story is satire. I would hope that would be obvious, but my faith in the US education system has faltered due to recent news headlines. Please read in the context intended, and again, send any hate mail to email@example.com
After offerings of free pancakes from a well-known breakfast chain, rates of obesity and Type-2 Diabetes among veterans have risen to an all time high.
The trouble started in early November, when popular restaurant chain Denny’s offered free all-you-can-eat pancakes to any veteran or service member. The announcement was emphatically well received by the veteran community, however some veteran service organizations were hesitant.
Joe Plenzler of the American Legion said, “While we applaud the initiative and patriotism of Denny’s, we’re not quite sure what they’re thinking. The Legion is sure this offer comes from a place of heart… just not brains.” The restaurant chain was still confident up to the 10th.
Franchise spokesman Adrian Smith issued a statement saying, “As a veteran of the Junior Reserve Officer Training Corps, I can assure you that I know our vets. I mean, it’s not like they’re ravenous gluttons that will take advantage of free food or anything, right?”
All seemed well in the days leading up to Veterans Day. However, things quickly went south at midnight on the 11th, when a rumbling was felt inside every restaurant as countless veterans from all wars stormed the beaches of the breakfast house chain, frothing at the mouth with cries of, “Free shit!” Kitchens were soon emptied as vets gobbled up every pancake in sight. Steve Harris, a World War II veteran, was seen speeding away from a restaurant in St. Louis with his motorized scooter piled high with red velvet pancakes. “I fought at Guadalcanal,” Harris said to a reporter running alongside him. “You bet your ass I’m gonna get my free food!”
It wasn’t long before local hospitals were inundated with veterans suffering from sugar-induced comas, some on the verge of liver failure. Doctor Jannick Gers of St. Luke’s Episcopal Hospital in Houston, TX had this to say as he hovered above one patient: “It’s like nothing I’ve ever seen before! This woman’s arteries are clogged with what appears to be pure pancake batter!” A hospital in Stanford, CT had to call police because Air Force veteran Dave Murray, stomach bulging, demanded nurses inject syrup directly into his veins.
The franchise was unavailable for comment, as Mr. Smith was last seen crying into a whiskey bottle. They are, however, suing the federal government for money to pay for PTSD treatment for their cooks.