Bowe Bergdahl to carry nuclear football in hopes he goes AWOL

gettyimages 525636912 Bowe Bergdahl to carry nuclear football in hopes he goes AWOL

A military officer carries “The Football” onto Marine One. (Photo by Brooks Kraft LLC/Corbis via Getty Images)

[Editor’s note: The following piece is satire. Obviously. At least, we HOPE it’s obvious. Please read it in the spirit it was intended… and send all hate mail to]

After multiple requests from both houses of Congress, Sergeant Bowe Bergdahl, who plead guilty to desertion and misconduct before the enemy, will be sentenced to work for the White House, carrying the “nuclear football.”

“SGT Bergdahl has proven himself untrustworthy and unreliable,” said Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer. “He can not be counted on to be where he is needed, when he is needed. I can think of no one more worthy in this day and age to carry out this duty.”

Bergdahl was charged with abandoning his post in Afghanistan in 2009, claiming he wanted to walk to a nearby FOB so he could “report mistreatment by senior officers and NCOs.” He was captured by Taliban forces and spent five years in captivity until 2014 when he was traded for five high-ranking Taliban commanders. When asked about his decision, former President Barack Obama stated, “I had long debated my choice, but in light of his new position, I could not be more sure that I did the right thing.”

The “nuclear football,” or the President’s Emergency Satchel, is a 45 lb briefcase that follows the president wherever he goes. It contains the authentication codes and strategies for launching a nuclear missile, both as a retaliatory or preemptive strike. reporters sat down with President Trump in the Oval Office and asked him about the football. He said it was, “huge, the biggest and best football you’ve ever seen. You could win the nuclear Super Bowl with this football. I’m telling you, it’s great. I could nuke Pyongyang in minutes just by pushing this big red button right here!”

gettyimages 495330957 Bowe Bergdahl to carry nuclear football in hopes he goes AWOL

In this undated image provided by the U.S. Army, Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl poses in front of an American flag. (Photo by U.S. Army via Getty Images) also spoke with Speaker of the House Paul Ryan about the bipartisan support for this decision. “Democrat or Republican, we all feel that SGT Bergdahl has shown the dedication to duty¬† and conviction needed to carry out this mission in these perilous times,” says Ryan. When asked if this move was in response to President Trump saying that North Korea would “be met with a fire and fury unlike anything the world has ever seen,” Speaker Ryan simply muttered, “Stay in your lane, kid.”

Unfortunately, SGT Bergdahl was unavailable for comment, as he hasn’t answered his phone since he took up the position. When mentioned to House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, she responded by sighing and whispering, “Oh, thank Christ.”

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